Funerals at Home - doing things differently

I always advocate for informed choice, and in five years of leading funerals I have learned that people are mostly  uninformed about what is possible and unconfident about doing something ‘out of the norm’. Part of my role is to give permission, to encourage brave choices. When that happens, there is a visible pride in those who are closest to whoever has died, they feel they have done a good job.

This year I have had the privilege of leading two funerals in peoples homes. One in a garden, followed by a burial next the greenhouse, the other in a living room. Thanks to the families for giving me permission to write about these farewells and to use images.

They were each remarkable and memorable, for different reasons.

Garden ceremony and Burial

C was a sociable bon viveur, who loved to host parties and cooked with flair, always with a glass in her hand! She was an entrepreneurial business woman, who chose to be buried in her garden with a bench beside her, so her husband and children could bring her the latest gossip and ask her advice. 

Despite it being summer, the weather was not on our side. People sheltered from the rain in a small gazebo and under umbrellas, or stood under the protection of trees.  C’s coffin was placed on trestles with flowers and foliage on top, collected that morning from the garden.

After the ceremony we wiggled our way through a small hedge opening to the burial site and her coffin was lowered into a grave her family had dug themselves. Then a veritable feast was served, the corks popped, the glasses were raised – we all knew that she would have loved to have been there – and of course, she was. 

 Her daughter wrote this: “Mum was there in our family garden with us, we laughed, we cried …..it was a fabulous day that I will always cherish, saying goodbye. So many friends said it was the best funeral they had ever been to. As we raised a glass to our mum, we knew she would have loved the party held in her honour.”

Sitting room funeral

In autumn I had call from a brother and sister, planning a funeral for their mum, A. As I listened it became clear to me that for various circumstantial reasons,  holding the funeral in her home might be consoling for them. They had considered this, but had dismissed it as not possible, of course I told them it was entirely possible. We looked at the room and thought about how to set it up to best accommodate the number of people expected. They did a wonderful job of creating a gorgeous ceremonial space full of greenery and candles, a selection of sofas and seats, with A’s art work on the walls. A had an interest in Buddhism and that was reflected in the ceremony.  Her coffin was brought home the night before, and placed in big bay window,  looking out over a once tended, now wild, garden. The next day the light streamed in.  Her family tied a handmade garland of swallows around her coffin, people wrote messages on paper leaves for her. A had been a wonderful cook and her son had used her old chopping board as a name plate for her coffin, burning her name and date of death into the knife-worn surface and tying it onto her coffin with butcher’s string. After the ceremony we shared afternoon tea, before the funeral directors came to take her to the crematorium for a direct cremation attended only by her two children.  That night her children sent me a photograph of the Northen Lights dancing above her house.

Both of these funerals took more time and more thought than a crematorium funeral  and both had a profound impact on me.  I urge anyone who is thinking about doing something different to have the confidence to walk that path – I feel certain that there is healing to be found there.  Every life is different, we should celebrate that and honour their passing in whatever way is right for them.

Sian Allen, www.magpieceremonies.co.uk